Welcome.
If you're here, something likely felt like a lot, or you're trying to prevent it from becoming a lot. Either way, you're in the right place.
This toolkit was created from lived experience, not theory. It isn't here to fix you or rush you forward. It's here to give you a soft place to land, tools you can return to, and permission to move at your own pace. There's no right order. You're not behind. You're right where you should be.
Your Quick Access Hub
Where to begin?
"I'm feeling activated right now."
Jump to Chapter 4"My little one is melting down."
Jump to Chapter 6Why I Made This
I made this toolkit because well, I needed it. Many people have triggers. We get wound up, and find it hard to calm ourselves. And me? I spiral. I get frustrated, hurt, sad then angry. I don't feel one bit okay and sometimes I don't know even why.
When the feelings are too big and moving too fast, sometimes you just need someone to sit with you without judgment. Someone who won't trigger another spiral of "I'm not worth the time it takes to get this out."
But we don't always have that person. Or they're not available right now. Or we can't find the words yet. So I started building something.
First, I built Trigger Calm, a GPT bot that listens when I'm spiraling and need to get it all out. No judgment. No distraction. Just space to process.
Then I started writing. After I'd talked myself down from a spiral, I took all that messy emotion and wrote about it. The pain became content. The overwhelm became connection. The "what's wrong with me?" became "oh, other people feel this too."
This is what I wish I'd had when I was younger, when my children were small. It's not therapy. It's not a cure. It's just a calm place to exist when you need one. You're not alone in this, and you're truly worth the time it takes.
Understanding the Spiral
What does "Triggered" actually mean?
Being triggered is when a big feeling starts and it takes you back to a time you felt overwhelmed, or hits you because of situations in your life. It's more than just being upset. It's when something escalates in your brain and your body within seconds, and suddenly you're overwhelmed, can't think clearly (like there's a fog or dark cloud), can't breathe properly, can't function.
How It Feels in the Body
For Adults
- ✦ Stomach clenches or hands ball into fists.
- ✦ Overheating—a crawling feeling, cheeks burning.
- ✦ Waves of emotion flood your heart until it hurts.
- ✦ Forgetting to breathe (which makes it worse).
For Kids
- ✦ Lashing out, screaming, kicking, biting.
- ✦ Crying uncontrollably or suddenly isolating.
- ✦ Feeling sick in the tummy or a headache.
- ✦ Fear they can't explain.
What Triggers People?
For me, it's people's words, tone, feeling misunderstood, or traffic (so now I leave really early to avoid it!).
For adults generally, it might be when things don't work out, not knowing how to deal with life's challenges, or turning to behaviors to cope.
For kids, it can be routine disruption, scary experiences, or overstimulation. Modern life throws SO much at developing brains. Little brains have limited capacity before the big feelings flood in.
Why It's NOT Your Fault
Triggering isn't a choice. It's your nervous system responding to something it perceives as a threat, even if logically you know you're safe. Your body is trying to protect you. It's just doing it in a way that feels terrible. For kids, their brains literally don't have the wiring yet to regulate big emotions. That is being human, not being broken.
The Good News: You are Unfolding
There's a song by Luca Fogale called "Unfolding" that reframes everything. You are unfolding. Not falling apart. Not damaged. Not broken beyond repair. You're in the messy middle of becoming. And humans who are unfolding need tools.
Grounding Techniques That Actually Work
When the spiral starts, these are the things that bring you back.
Recognize the Signs
You can't stop a spiral you don't recognize. Notice without judging. "Oh, there's the clench. There's the heat." Don't fight it. This is your early warning system trying to help you.
Talk It Out (Trigger Calm)
Getting it out of my head and into words, even if it's just to a bot, slows the spiral down. It gives the feelings somewhere to go instead of bouncing around inside my head.
Create Something (Get Lost)
Creation pulls you into a "flow state". Your brain cannot spiral and focus on creation at the same time. Draw, garden, cook, or organize. The point is the absorption, not the quality of the work.
Strategic Music
If you're spiraling and someone tells you to "just calm down," it rarely works. Put on music that MATCHES the intensity first (angry songs when angry) to validate the feeling. Then shift to calmer music when you're ready.
Work (The Competence Kind)
Not overwhelming work, but tasks where you use skills to solve problems. Organizing a space or fixing something. Competence is calming because it reminds your brain that you are capable.
The Visual Map
Need a quick reference for the nervous system and grounding tools? Review the toolkit infographic.
View Infographic PDFWhat to Do When You Are Alone
Maybe it's 2am and everyone's asleep. Or you can't find the words to talk to a real person yet. You still need somewhere for the feelings to go.
💬 1. Use the Trigger Calm GPT
I built this bot specifically for this reason. It listens without judgment. Type the messy, ugly, irrational stuff until you can breathe again.
2. Write it Out (No Rules)
Open a notes app. Write everything without editing yourself. Don't worry about making sense. Getting it out slows the spiral down.
3. Voice Record Yourself
Press record on your phone and just talk out loud. Ramble, cry, or yell. Hearing yourself say it out loud can be incredibly releasing. Delete it immediately after.
4. Write a Letter You'll Never Send
Write to the person who triggered you. Say everything you can't say out loud. Then burn it, delete it, or tear it up.
5. Move Your Body
Emotion is energy. Walk, dance to loud music, punch a pillow, or literally shake your whole body out. Physically move the energy through your system.
What NOT to Do
- Do not make big decisions.
- Do not send angry texts or emails.
- Do not doom-scroll social media.
- Do not punish yourself for having feelings.
Wait for the calm. Then decide what to do.
Talking to Yourself When Spiraling
When you're spiraling, your brain tells you stories. Not truths. Stories. You must learn to wait for the calm to know the difference.
When you feel like you're not worth the time:
Your triggered brain says "I'm wasting people's time." You need to remember: "I am worth it. I don't need to prove anything. I matter." Say it especially if you don't believe it yet.
When you're angry and don't know why:
Tell yourself: "I don't need to know why right now. I can just feel this without having to fix it immediately." Let it move through you. Figure it out later.
When you feel alone:
Tell yourself: "Other people feel this too. I'm not the only one." Someone you care about is probably struggling right now too. We're all just trying to get through.
Triggered Brain vs. Calm Brain
The Triggered Story
- "Everyone thinks I'm too much."
- "I've ruined everything."
- "This is the end of the world."
- "I need to pack my bags and leave."
The Calm Truth
- "I'm allowed to have feelings."
- "This will look different tomorrow."
- "I'm having a moment, not a catastrophe."
- "I can think rationally once this passes."
The Mantra That Works Right Now:
"I'm okay. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay."
Say it until you start to believe it. From reaction to reassurance—that is growth.
Talking to Kids About Big Feelings
When a child melts down, their nervous system is looking for a safe harbor. Your calm becomes their calm. The wrong words can make them feel ashamed; the right words help them feel safe.
When they are escalating
- "I can see you're having big feelings right now."
- "Your body is telling me you're overwhelmed."
- "It's okay to feel this way. Let's figure it out together."
What Not to Say
- "You need to calm down right now." (Like throwing gasoline on a fire)
- "Stop crying, you're fine."
- "If you don't stop, I will..."
When They Can't Explain What's Wrong
Give them permission to just feel without needing words. Gently de-escalate through distraction. Say: "You don't have to explain. Do you want to cuddle, or do you want some space?"
When They're Acting Out (Hitting/Biting)
Separate the feeling from the behavior. Be clear that feelings are always okay, but behaviors have limits. Say: "I can see you're really angry. Big feelings are okay. But hitting hurts people. Let's find another way to get those feelings out."
Non-Verbal Tools That Help
- Physical Comfort: Cuddles, holding hands, or just sitting nearby.
- Sensory Tools: Dimming lights, weighted blanket, or white noise.
- Movement: Bath/shower, going for a drive, walking outside.
- Distraction: Food (they might just be hungry!), building blocks, water play.
Need a digital distraction?
If your little one needs a "sensory job" right now to stop the spiral, open the Kids' Sanctuary and do "Breathe with Bear" together.
Open Kids' SanctuaryYou Can't Pour From an Empty Cup
Whether you're a parent, a grandparent, or a caregiver... the weight is real. You are trying to be enough while feeling entirely empty.
The Weight You're Carrying
You're trying to manage your own big feelings while helping your child manage theirs. You're trying to be the calm presence when your own nervous system is screaming. If you're doing this from a distance, the guilt of not being there physically is crushing.
When Their Meltdown Triggers Yours
It happens. Their spiral activates your spiral. Suddenly you're both drowning. Don't feel guilty. You're a person with your own history. If you are too triggered yourself? Step away. Take a break. Come back when you're steadier. That's self-awareness, not failure.
"Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's necessary. Put on your own oxygen mask first so you can actually show up for them."
The Lies We Tell Ourselves
- "I should be able to handle this better."
- "I did a terrible job raising them."
- "Other people don't struggle like this."
- "I've ruined them."
What is Actually True
- You are doing the best you can in this moment.
- You are learning, and learning IS growth.
- You are the best caregiver for them because you care enough to keep trying.
Moving Forward
You've made it through this guide. You have the apps, the grounding techniques, and the words to help yourself and your kids. This isn't everything. But it's a start.
What to Do Next
- Save this guide: Bookmark it on your phone so it is accessible for the hard moments.
- Try one thing: Pick ONE technique that resonates and use it next time the feelings get big.
- Be patient: You won't get it perfect the first time. That's okay.
Before you go, remember this:
You're not broken. You're unfolding.
The triggers, the spirals, the big feelings... they're not proof that something's wrong. They're part of being human. Part of feeling deeply. Part of caring. You picked up this guide because you wanted to do better. That's courage.
"Healing isn't about being fixed, it's about coming home to ourselves."
Listen to "Unfolding" by Luca FogaleWith you in the unfolding,
Barb
Everyday Modern... But Why?
✉️ info@everydaymodernbutwhy.com
Disclaimer: Educational content only (personal experience) — not medical advice. If you need support, please see a qualified professional.